holidays and silver linings

I recently saw the movie Silver Linings Playbook, a crazy, brilliant dark comedy about two people who are looking for their silver lining after going through some really hard times. I love this quote:

This is what I believe to be true. You have to do everything you can and IF you stay positive you have a SHOT at a silver lining.

It's so relevant to my own crazy search for the silver lining. With December being my 71st month of waiting for my daughter, and this Christmas being my 5th one without her, not to mention the many other absurdities of the current situation, I'm filling my playbook with strategies for keeping healthy and sane and staying positive. At this point, this is what I believe about adoption. You have to do everything you can to realize your dream (more than you ever thought was humanly possible, in fact), and while you're doing that, somehow the universe is responding by slowly and surely (emphasis on the slowly) arranging the stars so that they align at the perfect moment to connect you with the child who is supposed to be yours. There are times when it's impossible to be positive, but during those times you have to pull out your playbook and make a strategy to get through them so you can get back to focusing on the silver lining.

Christmas is a particularly hard time for me as a waiting parent. Which is kind of funny, because I'm not really a christian. I suppose, since my Christmases have never been about religion, they've been about twinkly lights, trees, music, family, home, and the magic of Santa. All these years of not being able to share with my child those things that I loved so much when I was little is hard. It also sucks when year after year you say to yourself "I'll work through the holidays again this year so the people with children can take time off, but my reward will come next year." Add a closet full of presents covered with dust, including Spanish books for my Ecuadoran girl who was stolen from me almost four years ago by grinches named Hayhow et al., a crime for which there is still no punishment, but which I relive every day that I spend without a daughter. But worst of all is the absolute madness of a world where millions of children around the planet will spend this time of year again without a family, without magic, without hope, while the people who want to love them still wait desperately with silent, empty homes.

I hope Santa reads this, because although I know he can't bring me a daughter this year, I wish for the world to wake up and do something in the best interest of orphans. In the meantime, here's a page from my playbook--stockings hung for a family of three (green and peace for me, red and JOY for my girl, and a fish and Noel for Bebe the cat). Because that's my silver lining, and it will make all this pain worthwhile.